I saw a dear friend a few days ago. I stopped by to ask her how she was doing, how her family was. She looked up, voice lowered, and just whimpered: “I’m so busy… I am so busy… have so much going on.”
Almost immediately after, I ran into another friend and asked him how he was. Again, same tone, same response: “I’m just so busy… got so much to do.”
The tone was exacerbated, tired, even overwhelmed.
And it’s not just adults. When we moved to North Carolina about ten years ago, we were thrilled to be moving to a city with a great school system. We found a diverse neighborhood, filled with families. Everything felt good, felt right.
After we settled in, we went to one of the friendly neighbors, asking if their daughter and our daughter could get together and play. The mother, a really lovely person, reached for her phone and pulled out the calendar function. She scrolled… and scrolled… and scrolled. She finally said: “She has a 45-minute opening two and half weeks from now. The rest of the time it’s gymnastics, piano, and voice lessons. She’s just…. so busy.”
Horribly destructive habits start early, really early.
How did we end up living like this? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to our children? When did we forget that we are human beings, not human doings?
Whatever happened to a world in which kids get muddy, get dirty, get messy, and heavens, get bored? Do we have to love our children so much that we overschedule them, making them stressed and busy — just like us?
What happened to a world in which we can sit with the people we love so much and have slow conversations about the state of our heart and soul, conversations that slowly unfold, conversations with pregnant pauses and silences that we are in no rush to fill?
How did we create a world in which we have more and more and more to do with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be?
Somewhere we read, “The unexamined life is not worth living… for a human.” How are we supposed to live, to examine, to be, to become, to be fully human when we are so busy?
This disease of being “busy” (and let’s call it what it is, the dis-ease of being busy, when we are never at ease) is spiritually destructive to our health and wellbeing. It saps our ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families, and keeps us from forming the kind of community that we all so desperately crave.
Since the 1950s, we have had so many new technological innovations that we thought (or were promised) would make our lives easier, faster, simpler. Yet, we have no more “free” or leisurely time today than we did decades ago.
For some of us, the “privileged” ones, the lines between work and home have become blurred. We are on our devices. All. The. Freaking. Time.
Smart phones and laptops mean that there is no division between the office and home. When the kids are in bed, we are back online.
One of my own daily struggles is the avalanche of email. I often refer to it as my jihad against email. I am constantly buried under hundreds and hundreds of emails, and I have absolutely no idea how to make it stop. I’ve tried different techniques: only responding in the evenings, not responding over weekends, asking people to schedule more face-to-face time. They keep on coming, in volumes that are unfathomable: personal emails, business emails, hybrid emails. And people expect a response — right now. I, too, it turns out… am so busy.
The reality looks very different for others. For many, working two jobs in low-paying sectors is the only way to keep the family afloat. Twenty percent of our children are living in poverty, and too many of our parents are working minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over their head and something resembling food on the table. We are so busy.
The old models, including that of a nuclear family with one parent working outside the home (if it ever existed), have passed away for most of us. We now have a majority of families being single families, or where both parents are working outside the home. It is not working.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
In many Muslim cultures, when you want to ask them how they’re doing, you ask: in Arabic, Kayf haal-ik? or, in Persian, Haal-e shomaa chetoreh? How is your haal?
What is this haal that you inquire about? It is the transient state of one’s heart. In reality, we ask, “How is your heart doing at this very moment, at this breath?” When I ask, “How are you?” that is really what I want to know.
I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyous, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart, explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul.
Tell me you remember you are still a human being, not just a human doing. Tell me you’re more than just a machine, checking off items from your to-do list. Have that conversation, that glance, that touch. Be a healing conversation, one filled with grace and presence.
Put your hand on my arm, look me in the eye, and connect with me for one second. Tell me something about your heart, and awaken my heart. Help me remember that I too am a full and complete human being, a human being who also craves a human touch.
I teach at a university where many students pride themselves on the “study hard, party hard” lifestyle. This might be a reflection of many of our lifestyles and our busy-ness — that even our means of relaxation is itself a reflection of that same world of overstimulation. Our relaxation often takes the form of action-filled (yet mindless) films, or violent and face-paced sports.
I don’t have any magical solutions. All I know is that we are losing the ability to live a truly human life.
We need a different relationship to work, to technology. We know what we want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence. It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones. We want to be truly human.
“It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.”
How exactly are we supposed to examine the dark corners of our soul when we are so busy? How are we supposed to live the examined life?
I am always a prisoner of hope, but I wonder if we are willing to have the structural conversation necessary about how to do that, how to live like that. Somehow we need a different model of organizing our lives, our societies, our families, our communities.
I want my kids to be dirty, messy, even bored — learning to become human. I want us to have a kind of existence where we can pause, look each other in the eye, touch one another, and inquire together: Here is how my heart is doing? I am taking the time to reflect on my own existence; I am in touch enough with my own heart and soul to know how I fare, and I know how to express the state of my heart.
How is the state of your heart today?
Let us insist on a type of human-to-human connection where when one of us responds by saying, “I am just so busy,” we can follow up by saying, “I know, love. We all are. But I want to know how your heart is doing.”
Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
A very thought provoking article – How is YOUR haal?
Very apt to read this just 1 hour and 35 minutes into retirement. People keep asking me “what are you going to DO? ” they seem to find it really difficult when I say, “nothing”. I have to qualify with “at least at first” or similar. Nonetheless I hope to achieve long sessions of nothing. Thank you for your post, I feel it’s sped me on my healthy way!
thank you for reading, i am glad you enjoyed my post! 🙂
I could cry reading this. I feel an ache in my heart. I have really been struggling with this whole concept of the busy life. Mine is not so busy as I look for work (only working 12 hours in two jobs at the moment), but I still feel busy. busy in my mind! And I feel such guilt all the time for not being as busy in terms of working, as the rest of society. Guilt is a constant emotion I feel. I’m fed up. I’m convinced my chronic back and neck pains are to do with all of this. I’m CRAVING the PERMISSION to lead a slower, more meaningful life! I want to smell the flowers, walk in forests, BE with my friends and not worry about all the other stuff! I am overwhelmed by all our devices and sometimes feel it’s making me physically sick. I’m reading all about the Slow Movement now so this article pop into my consciousness at the perfect time! Thank you Alk3r! I hope your heart is well today!
When a post of mine make the readers do or change something from their lives then my work is done, i am happy!
wow that’s so interesting jessica. Keep saying nothing!! : )
A really thoughtful and significant post. Thank you. It brings to mind 2 things.
The first: A simple “How are you?” in the Jamaican countryside of my youth was not an invitation to reply “Fine, thanks,” and move on – but an invitation to say how you were really doing. I used to roll my eyes at this when my mother stopped to listen to the answer, but now I value it.
The second is when I exchange greetings with other people who live with chronic pain and PTSD. “How are you?” is a heart-felt question that welcomes a similar answer.
Beautiful, wonderful truth. Thank you for saying what so many of us feel, but don’t say. The truth hurts, but it’s still the truth.
What a wonderful post! I didn’t figure out how to NOT be busy until I retired. Even so, I do have a life fairly occupied – so hard to slow down after a consumptive career. But I did NOT do that to my kids – they did what THEY wanted to do.
That really summarises one key aspect of modern society and possibly why it is failing.
And what are people busy for? Standard of living is decreasing for the so called ‘West’.
People are all about themselves. Whether its parents working too mcuh and paying little attention to their kids, or the societal norm of always being busy=productivity and go getting and success.
Also, work oractices are shameful now. Workers are expected to decote themselves whether it is a shitty menial job or somethint bigger and companies cut and cut until there are not enough workers increasing the stress for major profits for board members.
Theres no haal, or at least very little.
Reblogged this on dreamweaver333.
Yes, yes, YES! -Jennie-
Reblogged this on newauthoronline and commented:
This excellent post brought to mind Wordsworth’s poem, “The World Is To Much With Us”:
The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;—
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not. Great God! I’d rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathèd horn.
Beautiful – and so true!
Reblogged this on mira prabhu and commented:
The Disease of Being Busy…please read this excellent post…if we want to break free of our cage, there is real work to do and it requires dismantling our current matrix…the word that springs to my mind is “ruthless” – because that is what I became once I decided I wanted to spend my precious time in ways that led to spiritual evolution…thank you so much for this post, Alk3r (don’t know your name, sorry!) and to Chris Graham for bringing it to my attention…
Pingback: The Disease of Being Busy-from ALK3R | Sue Vincent – Daily Echo
Reblogged this on Reade and Write and commented:
This is a beautiful post about unplugging and spending more face-to-face time with our family, friends, neighbors, and community. I encourage you to read it, as well as the thoughtful comments which follow. How is your haal today?
Such a beautiful thought, and so relevant to us all. My life slowed down in retirement…I was so ready. People do ask what I do all day. It’s a question that they don’t really want answered. Thanks.
Very nicely put! I am retired and sometimes I still become overwhelmed by all that goes on around me! Instead of playing outside my grandkids have their heads in computer games! I say get out and about! Enjoy life!
Excellent post, Omid. I couldn’t agree more.
Very powerful. It is astounding how “busy” we are, when in reality, a lot of the busy-ness is frivolity.
In Hebrew, a similar greeting is מה שלומך, or literally, “how is your peace?”
And I never thought about hyphenating the word “disease” as you did… but that is a new take on it.
I know many people here– Noelle, Nick Rossi, I think I saw KS, and others. I know Chris. I met you on his site. This was an amazing article. I just wrote about this topic today. Had I read this first, I would have linked to you. The disease of being busy. You are right, and I have it. I teach as well. My students are like your students. Janice
I’ve stayed away from any women who’ve said to me that they’re too busy for me. I’ve been told that by women but never by men. I don’t know why. I believe women use it as a shield of honor. Nowadays I’m busy with only what I want to do: writing and spending time with my family. We have less money saved because I’m not working but I’m never too busy for my family.